“The biggest obstacle you’ll ever have to overcome is your mind. If you can overcome that, you can overcome anything.”
– Author Unknown
In her book, Rising Strong, Brene Brown discusses the fact that we often make up stories that “diminish our inherent worthiness.” In an interview, she gives an example of what this might look like; she has a bad meeting with a coworker and immediately tells herself, “I knew she didn’t like me.” Then, the crazy thought spiral begins.
Have you ever done this? Maybe someone was assigned a project you thought you should get. The story you might tell yourself is you’re not good enough or maybe your manager thinks you’re incapable of the assignment. Or, what about if you pass someone in the hall and say, “Hi”, but they don’t respond? The story you might tell yourself is that they have a problem with you. You might begin trying to recall the last conversation you had with them to determine what made them angry with you.
Brene has many suggestions on how to stop this crazy cycle (and I highly recommend you read her book to see what works for you), such as engaging with your feelings and getting curious about the story behind the feelings.
A suggestion I can offer is to communicate. If you’re upset that you didn’t get assigned a project you wanted, reflect on the potential reasons that your manager may have chosen someone else. Are you already overloaded with work? Might the manager be trying to help the other person by giving them more responsibility? Then, if you’re still inclined, ask your manager to chat! Simply tell them how you feel in a non-confrontational way. “I noticed that x project was given to Todd. This was a little surprising to me because I thought I was a great fit for that project, so I just wanted to understand the assignment process a little better.”
If you believe someone is upset with you, communicate! “Hey, when I saw you in the hallway earlier and said, ‘Hi’, I noticed you just kept walking. I just wanted to make sure everything is ok.” It could be that the person simply was in their own zone and didn’t hear you. Ever done that? I know I have!
This works with significant others, as well. Brene offers a personal example where her husband opened the refrigerator door in their home and sighed, “We don’t have any food. Not even lunch meat…” Overwhelmed, Brene immediately got defensive and told her husband that she was doing the best she could. She made up a story in her mind that she was a bad mom, wife, and too disorganized. Her husband explained that he wasn’t blaming her – he was just hungry and hadn’t gone to the store yet. She explained to him that the story she was telling herself was that he was blaming her for not having groceries.
“The story I’m telling myself is…” What a wonderful way to explain to others how you are feeling! This removes any defensiveness from them, but also allows them to more fully understand how you’re feeling in the moment.
No matter what the situation, the main thing is to communicate. Often, this will diffuse any negative mental energy that you may have otherwise spent unnecessarily.
Mindful Mornings is Gone